So first off, how many of you read this when it was in draft hoping to get a sneak peak?
“The last time I was going to write something it saved a draft here, I thought I would just write this so people think they are getting a sneak peak at what I am going to post. oh if only I could see their face when they realise this is all this is going to say until the entire post comes at once.”
and how many of you will actually admit to that? I know of at least one person. I did lie however, since it came in two stages rather than a gradual journey like story. It’s quite long and probably pointless, but those who have a close relationship with something might be able to relate.
As most of you are well aware I have an iPhone (aka iFonzo) and it is my pride and joy, for my birthday these lovely people got me an
Invisible Shield. For those not in the know it is basically a protective cover, which prevents scratches and still lets you (and others around you) see the beauty of the iPhone. Most covers which offer this kind of protection are chunky, and quite ugly. Here is a sample of what it is meant to do
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmpFOUZoUX0 skip forward to about 2:40.
I don't consider myself being shallow, and physical aspects are not often high on my list of importance, but to remove even a shred of its beauty would be sacrilege, you would be condemned to a life of ugly non fruity gadgets. That’s right! You heard me I am talking about you with that iPod!
el Señor Jobs [sticking with the Spanish theme that has been set to the layout] shall come, or send some of his mercenario's (or mercenarioria, not to be sexist) to reclaim the
apple of their eye. [Groan]Now that you realise why I wanted one, and I have established how protective I am of my iPhone there are some people who might find this eccentric, others will understand and have the same connection with an item such as an iPods, DS's, Bags, Shoes, Pacers, Pens ( perhaps specifically UQ Pens), Steel Rulers (thin not thick), Calculators, Laptops, Cameras, DVD's, Books or TV's. There are some instructions that you need to follow to install the Invisible Shield properly, check them out
here but the main steps are;
• Spraying your fingers with their special "ShieldSprayTM", I am fairly positive it is just soap and water but that deconstruction of marketing and business products will be saved for another blog post, but perhaps it could be what gives it shield like properties.
• Applying more spray to the shield, and perhaps to your device
• Use the squeegee and push the moisture to the edges
Before committing to applying the Shield I looked up a few other ways to get the best finish, the vast majority of them said just apply as much as you can, don’t be shy. This is exactly what I did; it was a tense moment spraying liquid onto iFonzos' luscious face but I had to subdue my fear of iFonzo being overcome by paralysis. I am sure if this did happen, it would live a happy life and would be an absolute stunner at the Paralympics, but as they are currently on another four years is too long to wait.
After having put the front shield on, and removing all of the excess soapy-water “ShieldSprayTM” I turned it on and I was relieved that it worked and I left it sit for a moment or seven while I mentally prepared myself to put the back piece on.
I went to turn the iPhone off, and if you are familiar with an iPhone you will realise that to do several of the important commands it requires you to drag a bar across the screen. This is so it does not accidentally answer phones calls while it is sitting in your pocket, or turn off. So I went to drag the bar across the screen, and ... nothing happened. I tried again thinking it was my own fault for being retarded but my heart skipped a beat, well quite a few beats when I realised that it was not responding at all to my sensual touch.
I felt heartbroken after the months of pleasure I gave iFonzo how could it reject me like this, it was like being physically pushed away from someone that you love. After wiping my tears away with a tissue I begged with it to work. I cried
“iAlphonso Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli (I used its full name so it knew I was serious/desperate) please! I beg of you! With your boastfulness abilities do not fail me now!”
I really didn’t want to use desperate measures such as
percussive maintenance, as it might be considered domestic violence. Then with all of my desperation and neediness getting to me I tried again. It worked, but only barely - it was temperamental so while I still could, I turned it off to think. It is hard to think clearly when you it is turned on and nearby, it’s quite a distraction.
This had scared the bejeezus out of me, and I was left thinking that the excess soapy-water may have seeped inside, and melted its heart. I was hopefully that the situation wasn’t at that stage yet, since I hadn’t seen any blue smoke, obviously the most critical component to any electrical item. Once you let the blue smoke out of any electrical device it will never work again. I rushed to its aid taking off the Invisible Shield, like a doctor ripping off patients’ clothes to defibrillate. Since the only way to prove if the problem was the Shield, the iPhone or my fleshly touch was to take it off and try again.
After letting it recover for about an hour I turned it on to see if the touch screen would work, and luckily for both of us it worked and responded like a needy guy/girl who has had no physical attention for a while. (Perhaps that was more to do with an application I installed which moan -- iJoke!) After cleaning my hands with a tissue (to remove dust, lint etc.) I attempted the distressing task of applying it once more, since I had established that it was not undergoing sensory deprivation.
After about 30 minutes I had applied the front, the back, and the other bits and pieces but I refused to turn it on until I had totally finished. I think I was frightened of the rejection if it wouldn’t work again. Luckily true love was in full bloom that day, and it did work after my careful manipulation of its bits and pieces.
Once I had it back to normal and had established that it wasn’t breaking up with me I had time to think about what had happened. I should have just carried on with the job in the first place rather than being a pussy and running away. I decided that the reason why it wasn’t working was the “ShieldSpray^TM”, but not from oozing inside but because I had it on my fingers. As I must of had a layer of it all over my fingers it would have stopped the screen from responding the way I expected. I had over-reacted majorly and I felt like such an idiot. We can all learn a lesson from this, if you want to protect your beloved from things do not apply lubricant and expect your touch to feel the same, until you wash your hands – whhaatt? Yeah I have no idea either it just sounded like it was going somewhere humorous– it wasn’t.
In other news; for those who missed it this is what Monkey Socks looks like when it has be iPhonified, despite what some might think I did not have anything to do this.
