Just a wish

I wish we didn't have exams. I wish we could go back to the old days when you didn't even need a degree to go off and be engineers and scientists. I wish we could go back to the old days for many reasons actually. Maybe I'm just living in Pride and Prejudice or some old romance novel but I want to be wooed. Is that too much to ask? I want to go to fancy balls and dance and have just holding hands to be the most amazing thing in the world. I wish I wasn't a girl sometimes, which defeats the purpose of the Pride and Prejudice life I want but still, I don't want these emotions, these time of the month things, these insecurities. That's another reason to go back to the old days. What we would consider overweightish was actually normal and very healthy and looked upon nicely as it meant you could have many children (another reason I don't want to be a girl - keep the pregnancy away from me). Would you blame boys for these insecurities? Magazines? Boys dont want to blame boys. Boys don't want to take the blame for anything. It's all our fault cos we have emotions in the first place. Many swear words to you boys. That's my new saying. Stops me getting in trouble with my parents if I just say "Many swear words" as opposed to "Shit Bugger Crap". I often find myself having to bite my lip from screaming "You piece of shit" at my computer, phone, exams etc.
Hydrology can go jump by the way. Also soil mechanics. I'm sure Nish will agree with me here. Is Nish subscribed to this blog? If he is, Nish we haven't spoken in a while. Sup Matey?
My highlighter doesn't have a lid on it, its probably drying out but I say go jump highlighter.
My sister's friend Cameron who took her snake Spot can no longer look after her so we are obtaining a new yet old member to the family. I like snakes. Compared to spiders anyway. Aggie keeps attacking the snakes around our house. She is quite smart about it actually, she just picks them up and whips them around to hit them on an object (last time I heard it was the garage wall). It kills 'em quick. Although I do fear one day the snake will fight back and bye bye Aggie. God I wouldn't get out of bed for days if I lost that dog. You know I was thinking about a car accident the other day and like I was just picturing us (Wade and I - I was driving) getting side swiped and flipping over a few times. We were both fine. Then I added Aggie to the picture and I almost cried. Cos she wouldn't be fine.
This is complete and utter rambling I know but I'm upset and need to ramble.
I have a fear of sharks, does anyone else? Wade laughed at me because his family goes water skiing and I want to go but as he said, I'm not scared of falling off and hurting myself or breaking an arm (which is quite possible, it's pretty dangerous). No, I'm scared of the bit after the fall when I'm sitting in open water with bull sharks somewhere beneath me.
Anyway, I just wish more than anything I have ever wished for, that I could be void of emotions. Or more the bad emotions. I'll accept love and happiness. I don't want the bad bits: anger, sadness, the overwhelming need to ball my eyes out. I also wish my sister would come home. I want my best friend back. I want to just say lets go to the gold coast for one night, and go do it or just sit around watching Father Ted and eating junk.
Actually, more than anything right now, I don't want to be here anymore.

4 comments:

littel-philow-cat said...

There are important things to learn from sadness and pain and all that jazz, but right now I'm sure you already know that, and don't want to hear it.

So here's one thing from me:

--hugs--


All the best.

Sarshake said...

Thanks :) Feeling better now

Queen of Anne said...

Sar-girl, I've talked to enough of my male friends to realise that boys have insecurities the same as girls. They don't get monthly bleeds or PMS but coping with the world can be difficult for boys too if their coping methods aren't working for them.

Also, would love and happiness mean anything if you never felt sadness or anger?
-Its the things with the hand holding. Physical contact occurred so infrequently between people that made the act of holding another's hand so very meaningful. Don't wish away your feelings. Just try talking to someone about coping with them. Love you, Sar-girl.

Sarshake said...

thanks Toni :)